SpyChronicles: The Nemesis
Spies must have enemies.
It is the oldest rule in the book; every spy, every superhero, must have a nemesis. Normally these evil geniuses have minions (or at the very least, henchmen) to do their dirty work for them, but some evil geniuses are not so fortunate. Some are not even evil geniuses.
My nemesis is not an evil genius, as far as my fellow spies and I have been able to uncover.
However! His grass-stained jeans and zip-up Trapper Keeper… a clever disguise. Over the past three weeks, though, my spy eyes have grown sharp to these kinds of things, and I don’t buy it for a minute. Not one minute.
-ITINERARY-
4:21 PM
Receive phone call on Highly Confidential Office Phone/Stupid Esoteric Instrument of the Coming Apocalypse. Authorize entrance of covert outside operative. Odd. Have never seen or heard from this particular covert outside operative.
4:22 PM
Endure swift round of groans from fellow spies. Apparently they do know this covert outside operative.
4:25 PM
Covert outside operative dismisses me with wave of hand. Wave of hand! I am a spy. Not some lowly receptionist… servant. V. obnoxious.
4:30 PM
Covert outside operative makes attempt to sneak into Inner Room We Don’t Speak Of (So Shh). Smackdown! Shutdown! V. proud of self. Covert outside operative is beginning to get on my nerves.
4:31 PM
Covert outside operative tries distraction tactics. Sends me on quest to find missing person who, it seems, is lost in filing cabinet. Am putting together various spelunking equipment and food supply for at least four days, when it dawns… this person does not exist! Looking up person in database confirms this fact. Ha. Am not fooled. Feel v. smug.
4:35 PM
Aha! Covert outside operative is identified! Have met him once before on stairs—in the stairwell! Nearly kick self in head. Could have totally owned him.
4:41 PM
Watch covert outside operative as he scarfs down all the candy in our Emergency Supply Glass Bowl. Does he not know that this is for emergencies only? (e.g. MY SPYCANDY NOT HIS?!)
4:42 PM
Things begin to fall together. Missing person does not exist because of covert outside operative! This is all his fault! Irrevocable knowledge descends: he has killed her to get to me, and erased her from existence. Must do something.
4:46 PM
Am laughed out of office by the Boss. He is positive missing woman is in filing cabinet. To which I desired to respond: how can a grown woman fit inside a filing cabinet? Did not wish to be fired from Ultra-Awesome Spyjob, so kept mouth shut. V. disgruntled.
4:49 PM
Realize that covert outside operative is, in fact, Satan.
4:50 PM
Realize that Satan would not waste personal vacation time trying to debunk and defame newbie spy. Realize that covert outside operative is what every spy must eventually have. He is the Nemesis.
4:53 PM
Relate this discovery to fellow spies, who act as if they all knew from the beginning. They are just jealous that I discovered it first.
4:56 PM
Clock is ticking. Must expose the Nemesis before five o’clock strikes. The Nemesis is chatting not-so-amiably with the Boss. Begin to believe there may be a bomb or a lot of money in zip-up Trapper Keeper.
4:58 PM
Begin to get v. annoyed with the Nemesis. How dare he show up at the end of my workday? Cannot leave until the Nemesis is vanquished or at least exits the office. Am increasingly annoyed. Fellow spies cannot take care of themselves—incompetent.
5:01 PM
Patience runs out. Computer is turned off, spy equipment gathered, all tell-tale sticky notes disposed of in nearest trash receptacle. Fellow spies can fend for themselves. My personal life will not suffer for job; must change out of catsuit and into civilian garb for date tonight.
5:02 PM
Bloodcurdling scream echoes from the Boss’s office, but is beyond my control. I am already in elevator. Shame, really. The Boss and the Nemesis should have talked on the stairs. Would have owned the Nemesis totally. Ah well. Tomorrow is another day.
It is the oldest rule in the book; every spy, every superhero, must have a nemesis. Normally these evil geniuses have minions (or at the very least, henchmen) to do their dirty work for them, but some evil geniuses are not so fortunate. Some are not even evil geniuses.
My nemesis is not an evil genius, as far as my fellow spies and I have been able to uncover.
However! His grass-stained jeans and zip-up Trapper Keeper… a clever disguise. Over the past three weeks, though, my spy eyes have grown sharp to these kinds of things, and I don’t buy it for a minute. Not one minute.
-ITINERARY-
4:21 PM
Receive phone call on Highly Confidential Office Phone/Stupid Esoteric Instrument of the Coming Apocalypse. Authorize entrance of covert outside operative. Odd. Have never seen or heard from this particular covert outside operative.
4:22 PM
Endure swift round of groans from fellow spies. Apparently they do know this covert outside operative.
4:25 PM
Covert outside operative dismisses me with wave of hand. Wave of hand! I am a spy. Not some lowly receptionist… servant. V. obnoxious.
4:30 PM
Covert outside operative makes attempt to sneak into Inner Room We Don’t Speak Of (So Shh). Smackdown! Shutdown! V. proud of self. Covert outside operative is beginning to get on my nerves.
4:31 PM
Covert outside operative tries distraction tactics. Sends me on quest to find missing person who, it seems, is lost in filing cabinet. Am putting together various spelunking equipment and food supply for at least four days, when it dawns… this person does not exist! Looking up person in database confirms this fact. Ha. Am not fooled. Feel v. smug.
4:35 PM
Aha! Covert outside operative is identified! Have met him once before on stairs—in the stairwell! Nearly kick self in head. Could have totally owned him.
4:41 PM
Watch covert outside operative as he scarfs down all the candy in our Emergency Supply Glass Bowl. Does he not know that this is for emergencies only? (e.g. MY SPYCANDY NOT HIS?!)
4:42 PM
Things begin to fall together. Missing person does not exist because of covert outside operative! This is all his fault! Irrevocable knowledge descends: he has killed her to get to me, and erased her from existence. Must do something.
4:46 PM
Am laughed out of office by the Boss. He is positive missing woman is in filing cabinet. To which I desired to respond: how can a grown woman fit inside a filing cabinet? Did not wish to be fired from Ultra-Awesome Spyjob, so kept mouth shut. V. disgruntled.
4:49 PM
Realize that covert outside operative is, in fact, Satan.
4:50 PM
Realize that Satan would not waste personal vacation time trying to debunk and defame newbie spy. Realize that covert outside operative is what every spy must eventually have. He is the Nemesis.
4:53 PM
Relate this discovery to fellow spies, who act as if they all knew from the beginning. They are just jealous that I discovered it first.
4:56 PM
Clock is ticking. Must expose the Nemesis before five o’clock strikes. The Nemesis is chatting not-so-amiably with the Boss. Begin to believe there may be a bomb or a lot of money in zip-up Trapper Keeper.
4:58 PM
Begin to get v. annoyed with the Nemesis. How dare he show up at the end of my workday? Cannot leave until the Nemesis is vanquished or at least exits the office. Am increasingly annoyed. Fellow spies cannot take care of themselves—incompetent.
5:01 PM
Patience runs out. Computer is turned off, spy equipment gathered, all tell-tale sticky notes disposed of in nearest trash receptacle. Fellow spies can fend for themselves. My personal life will not suffer for job; must change out of catsuit and into civilian garb for date tonight.
5:02 PM
Bloodcurdling scream echoes from the Boss’s office, but is beyond my control. I am already in elevator. Shame, really. The Boss and the Nemesis should have talked on the stairs. Would have owned the Nemesis totally. Ah well. Tomorrow is another day.
2 Comments:
Aha! An inept nemesis... the bane of every fledgling spy and operative. Imagine Mr. Bean with a desire to do evil instead of simply incompetent.
Yes, this will be your shining glory for you must vanquish this foe without revealing your secret identity and your mission.
Good luck!
Dearest girl, you need to write for a living. You ARE a silver-blue sky on a summer day. How I need you in my life!!
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